Happy February!

So I am trying to get reinvigorated for to push myself. I want to lose some weight and feel good and I feel like February is the perfect month for that! So I’m setting a 28 day challenge for myself!!

I want to get 20 minutes of steady activity every day, whether that’s a workout or walking or whatever! Monday through Friday I want to wake up every day at 6:30. I want to meal prep every Saturday. Im finding on Sundays im feeling rushed, so if I make my goal to meal prep on Saturday, I can finish on Sunday with what I do not get to!

1. Wake up at 6:30

2. 20 minutes of activity a day

3. Saturday meal prep

4. Stay whole foods plant based

5. Keep striving to live spiritually and remember that you can take a moment if you are stressed, take a moment and regroup!

Love you!

-Shim Sham

Kay Jay’s Late!

Well y’all, looks like I FORGOT about finishing my post for yesterday. WHOOPS!

The horror! The abject failure! I’M TERRIBLE!

…..

Yeah.

That’s how I tend to think. And I am working to change that.

I spent a good many years feeling like the only way I could be worthy of love and care was to never mess up. Never inconvenience anyone else. Never be late. Never forget.

Never ever ever ever fail.

HOW EXHAUSTING IS THAT??

I mean really. I am rocking out so many of my personal goals. And I feel great. I know that I am still learning, growing, developing, etc. And I need to take that time.

My past experiences with failure in any capacity resulted in a shut down of my confidence. I felt useless. Worthless.

And sometimes that put me in full defensive mode. I felt so many conflicting things. I felt terrible for failing in the first place. I felt defensive about why it happened. I felt so awful about feeling defensive.

I was so tired all the time.

I’m finally finding ways to move past that. I’m finally discovering that my need to control people’s perceptions of me and my motives is so impossible to maintain. That’s the EXACT thing I don’t have control over. I’ve got to let that go.

And I am. Slowly.

There are a lot of amazing things in the works for my life as we move towards the future. I’m preparing for the possibility of more scrutiny over my actions.

And, as of right now, I say bring it on.

I’m ready to take more risks in my personal, creative, and professional life. And see where the successes take me.

And what the failures will teach me.

❤ Kay Jay

Self Care Vs Self Sabbotage

Hello!

So, I easily fall into the trap of allowing myself a night of bad food, extra tv and staying up late in the name of “this is what I need right now”.

Maybe some nights that is what I need, but I need to start viewing this differently. I want to practice self care by indulging in good food still, but healthy food that I know is going to fuel me for tomorrow. Not food that is going to drag me down and make me feel sluggish.

I want to practice some self care by treating myself to an early bed time rather than staying up late. I am making progress!

Yesterday I meal prepped and this morning I worked out before work! I feel tired today but I know the more I do this my energy level will rise. Im feeling motivated to keep eating healthy and im ready to start feeling better!

Peace and Love,

-Shim Sham

Deep Cleansing Breaths

It happened.

The US has a new president. A new vice president. A new incoming administration. A new congress.

A new hope, as it were.

I’m a bit speechless. I know that there are a number of ways we are still working to improve our country, and the world at large.

But this feels like a real step in a better direction. And I feel like I can really breathe again. We can collectively breathe a bit easier.

And that feels wonderful.

I want to post our guided meditation here today, to help aid in anyone’s healing journey as we navigate what’s to come next. We’ve endured years of fearing for our safety and the lives of people we care about and those who are in vulnerable populations.

I know I want to take today to have a little victory happy. Take a breath.

And get ready to keep fighting for myself and for others.

❤ Kay Jay

Trying to stay Optimistic

So this month has been the worst month of the pandemic for me…so far. I don’t know if its the length of time we’ve been in it, starting a new job, dark winter days or if its the insurrection, but this month has been a lot.

Yet I am trying every day to get on track and set myself up for success as much as I can.

But good news this week, we are getting a new president! The last 4 years have been nothing but this country going backwards and it had definitely weighed heavily on me, and all of us. I am scared for this week because of the right wing nut jobs threatening more violence, but I will be relieved after Wednesday.

We need a change so bad and I’m hopeful that after Wednesday we will see some serious changes in regards to COVID 19, police brutality and all the other issues surrounding this country.

So, although I am fearful for this week , I also am hopeful! I will continue to work on my goals and hopefully this week will end on a good note!

Peace and Love,

-Shim Sham

Lovin’ Myself

Good morning Shim Sham! Hello world!

I’m sitting here with a new style.

Because I colored my hair again!

And this time, I didn’t start with bleaching my hair fully blonde. I just utilized my own natural brown (and silver hair) and gave myself some dark magenta highlights – which is making me so happy.

Anyone who’s met me knows that I LOVE a moment to change up my look. I shave my head, fade up the sides, dye my hair, cut it by myself… (the latter is no longer advisable because I’m not great at scissor cutting my own hair at all.) I love to change up my makeup looks and experiment – and I’ve gotten much better at it this past year.

I am finally getting more adventurous with my personal style and allowing myself to utilize my outward appearance to reflect how I feel inside – which has been an incredible experience this year.

It still scares me. I still sometimes get very wrapped up in how others are perceiving me. I am still not fully able to go as full out as I want.

But there has been progress!

I’m learning to love the body I have and how to use it to create the look I want to see. I trust myself to try things in a way that I never felt comfortable with in the past.

I look in the mirror and I am working to take the first initial reaction (which can be very cruel and negative) and work to rewrite the narrative. I’m discovering how to utilize my more unique features and physically intriguing aspects of my body to my advantage and turning the hateful thoughts on their head.

I’m someone who doesn’t like to be in a box. And sometimes I look at people who are in the “beautiful, sexy, whatever blah blah blah” boxes and wish I could be them. But then I realize.

They all look the same.

They all sound the same.

They all seem to be THE SAME.

(and before you get it twisted, I know that everyone has unique perspectives and their own interesting personalities – it’s just the way that we are inundated with the imagery of a “beautiful” or “successful” human person and how it ALWAYS seems to be the same.)

I don’t love being the same as other people. Part of it is stubbornness (you don’t even have to tell me.) And some of it is just feeling contrary.

But a lot of it is because every time I try to shove myself into one of those mainstream boxes, it just doesn’t go well for me. I get sad. I feel like I’m not enough and like I’m not successful or being authentic to myself.

I want to be my authentic self – and I am learning to love who that is.

All of the past experiences where I was put down or downright punished for being myself and feeling authentic have become an inner dialogue which used to serve me in holding me back – but it also kept me safe.

It isn’t safe anymore. It’s hurting me. I want to be free of it and learn who I really am.

So here goes: I love my belly, my legs that are shorter than average, my barrel chest, my sometimes very greasy skin, my ridiculous midwestern accent that sneaks out when I’m excited, my loud laugh – it all makes up who I am. And I can love every bit of it as I work towards becoming the future version of myself.

I’m learning to love myself. It’s hard and it doesn’t always feel possible.

But I really am learning.

❤ Kay Jay

Seeing the goddess in Everyone (except for YOU and you know who you are)

Dear Shim Sham and world,

I’m trying to so hard. SO HARD.

SO VERY HARD.

I am working to be a more loving and accepting person of those who I do not see eye to eye with. Those who may have beliefs or lived experiences that vary from that of my own.

And I personally think that I am making progress! I have taken a look at my own implicit biases, my own internalized self-loathing. My own racist thoughts, my inaction, my willingness to change. And I believe I have made headway on that in the past few years. And the work continues.

But recently, I am finding it harder and harder to find common ground with those who seek to destroy the small comforts I have found in life. Who are actively working against others like myself. Those of us who have found safety in their identities.

Some felt that it was harmless to vote a certain way, because they were voting for someone “anti-establishment” who would shake up the system. And then decided after four years that four more sounded like the best option. That is an aggression and violent act towards myself and many like me. Many people I love and care about very much.

Some continue to fight against progress out of antiquated fears surrounding morality, control, power, spiritual beliefs….And they are entitled to those beliefs! (However unwilling they are to extend that same entitlement toward myself and people like me). Spouting hatred is not a “value.” You are fanning flames near a pile of dynamite. It is an act of violence.

Some actively lie, cheat, and steal to maintain power and the status quo that continues to keep them in the social and economic standing that they have enjoyed for far too long without extending that same opportunity to others. Worse still, utilizing that power to continually undermine the rights and freedoms of others. Including myself and others like me. This is an act of violence that can beget more violence.

I am not writing all of this to get anger or anger others. I am writing this to continue my path of spiritual wellness.

I have continued (and perhaps misplaced) hope that we can build a better future. And I do not want to let others take that hope away from me.

But hope without action isn’t worth much. Particularly now.

My spiritual wellness journey this year and in the years that follow will include a continued effort towards understanding others. Finding connections, particularly now when connection feels so difficult and at times impossible. And this includes those who I do not find common ground with. Those who do not have the facts and follow movements blindly because they align with their narrow world view and experiences. I want to seek the goddess in everyone. I want to believe that people have the capacity to change as I have and plan to continue changing.

However.

This does not mean that I am not paying attention. It does not mean that I am not taking stock of the actions of others. The ways in which their privilege overshadows their capacity for empathy. The ways in which their choices continue to undermine the lives and opportunities of others for the sake of their own so-called values.

I do believe in karma. I do believe in universal alignment and ways in which our actions cause reactions. And I am now seeing that reaching peacefully and diplomatically across the aisle may no longer serve me positively (if ever it did to be quite frank.) I am seeing people for who they are choosing to be, in light of easily identifiable facts and realities.

And some, including members of my own family, are choosing to actively work against my happiness, my successes, my opportunities – all for the sake of of a limited worldview they seem to have no interest in expanding. It is a price they continually make clear they are willing to pay.

So yes. I am seeking to see the goddess in everyone I encounter throughout this life. But some of you (and I certainly hope if you ever see this that you KNOW WHO YOU ARE) might have already used up all of the goodwill I have left for you.

And it is not in my best interest to continue all of this one-sided work. My physical and emotional wellness are at stake – and I am done compromising myself for you and your lack of empathy, your lack of willingness to change.

Again, I write all of this not to stir up anger or resentment within myself. Not at all. Rather, I am solidifying my commitment to myself and to my own spiritual well being. There is too much at stake. I have too much to offer others to continue offering it to those who I cannot reach and who have repeatedly shown me that my best interests – are of no interest to them.

See the goddess in everyone – whenever possible.

Except for you. And you know who you are.

❤ Kay Jay