Counting My Lucky Stars

Hello beautiful world and Mama Shim Sham!

I had a post all ready to go – and it didn’t save! So I’m going to attempt to recreate it in a much more succinct way.

Yesterday, my partner Jay and I managed to get appointments for our covid vaccine in a couple of weeks! And I am so excited and grateful that I could cry (and probably will, more than once.)

This past year has been so scary for all of us, and it has thrown into the light a lot of issues that we all knew were there on some level – and now can no longer ignore. We are seeing so many historical events playing out, and we will have to continue to meet them when they happen.

On a personal level, I could not be more happy about the level of love and support I feel in my life. This past year was full of twists and turns for me, and I had a handful of major transformations that brought new life to my existence. Coming out and living more authentically has allowed me to take charge of certain things in my life, and that feeling of autonomy is so important to me.

I am making career shifts that are going to ultimately serve me positively, and getting vaccinated is going to allow me to explore those options more fully and in a hands on sort of way. I am creating in ways I never felt that I was allowed to create before – and am hopeful that I will be able to continue that as this year (and the coming years) progress.

I am discovering more connections between my mental/emotional, spiritual and physical health and have been working on letting go of patterns of thought and behavior that no longer serve me positively (if ever they did)

Now is a time of transition to something more beautiful – and I want to stay connected. I am hoping to dig back into my more activist leanings and get back out to serve my community as the world opens up (and fully vaccinated I will be safer to do so with masks and social distancing)

I am counting my lucky stars and thanking the universe for all of the beauty I have been gifted with, even amongst the darkness I have experienced. There is beauty in all of it, and I am so excited to see what comes next.

Be well
❤ Kay Jay

Moooooovin’

Hey! Guess what?

Kay Jay here – and we’re moving!

No, not Shim Sham and myself – we’re here to stay and are in talks for some new types of content – stay tuned!

I mean my partner and myself are moving to a new apartment – and that means that I am ALLLLL OVER THE PLACE and will need some time to get my bearings.

I’ll be back with new, more in depth content soon!

❤ Kay Jay

Queer Dreams

This feels like a good time to say it – I’m queer AF. I’ve been for many years, but it took the pandemic to fully realize it and really dig into it. I’ve been feeling this coming up and out of me for years though – It’s almost been eating away at me.

It feels go to let it out!

I love to make changes in my life that feel positive. I don’t particularly love taking major steps backward when I can help it.

But I’m learning to see the beauty in that as I continue to work towards my goals. I’m leaning into my queerness, and letting it spill over into my professional teaching and performance life. I have a queer, horror comedy musical that is currently under review for a theatre festival later this year – THAT’S HUGE!

And I never would have written it if it hadn’t been for other things setting me back in some way. I had a major period of time this past year that really left me spinning tires and not fully aware of where I was heading or where I even wanted to head anymore. I felt very stuck.

But that lack of perceived forward mobility really helped me hunker down and put my creative energies into something that I had dreamed of doing for years. And now it’s becoming a reality!

I’m a dreamer – always have been. And I’ve only just recently felt comfortable with accepting that and GOING FOR MY DREAMS. It’s very wrapped up in coming out as genderqueer and accepting my own changes, my own growth. Settling into my identity. I’ve been thriving there – and I now get to start turning my attention on what comes next. Which is beautiful.

And scary.

So I’m really finding strength in my queer identity as I prepare for what comes after the pandemic starts to decline and we are able to go out amongst the people again. The more settled and strong I feel heading out, I can be more prepared for how I will respond to those who aren’t ready to come on that journey with me. It can’t be my entire job to educate people, but it is what I do for a living. So it does come fairly naturally.

I’m following my dreams so that I can really feel that I lived my life for what I hoped for, and still had room left over for others and THEIR dreams. I don’t succeed because some one else fails. (I mean, that can lead to some sort of success, but it isn’t the success I want) I want to live this life open and loving – able to be there for others. But I need to be focused on what I want and need too. Following my dreams is important in this stage of my queer awakening and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

So, my commitments:

  1. Live free and queer.
  2. Stay open to others and their stories.
  3. Take a break – give myself some time to recharge.
  4. Continue to focus on sobriety for 6 months – reassess when it’s necessary.
  5. Love more – especially myself.
  6. Follow my dreams and let them inspire what comes next!

❤ Kay Jay

“Progress Not Perfection”

So I have taken some time off of my health goals to really just focus in getting through the last couple of months but I’m ready to get back to feeling better.

As they say “I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired” I wanna be energetic again! I want to not be on blood pressure medication! I want to feel good!

So im getting back to eating healthy, and getting exercise! I feel motivated when I focus on my goals and what I want rather than what I don’t want. I need to stop thinking about “I dont want to he fat anymore” and start thinking “I want to feel good and get off my blood pressure meds!” That is more motivating to me.

I want to lower my cholesterol and just not worry so much that every ache and pain I feel is potential underlying disease.

So, I am excited but I know every day I need to recenter and focus on my goals and what I want rather than what I don’t want.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Peace and Love,

-Shim Sham

Taking Stock

I am someone who really likes to quantify certain things – Number of steps in a day, number of days doing X, number of days not doing X, etc. And I truly believe that it has helped me a lot in the past!

But recently, I have started to wonder if some of it is getting in my way, like when I had to stop quantifying my health with the numbers on the scale or the tape measure, or the number of calories consumed in a day.

I’m always working on balance, and I know that I am also working on not being so “all or nothing” about my habits. If I have a little extra sugar today, I’m not ruining my life. If I over indulge a bit and feel full and sleepy, I’m not a monster. If I choose to imbibe even when I say I don’t want to, I can get right back into my goals.

There is so much more to the short time we get than quantifying our health, and while I know that some of these habits have really positively served me, I’m working on figuring out which ones are no longer fueling me in the positive way they once did.

A constant assessment of self. That’s me.

❤ Kay Jay