Today’s Daily Reflections “Where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane” -Alcoholics Anonymous page 38

When I was still drinking I would fight all day in my head about whether I was going to drink again. I was in constant battle with myself. I would debate in my head how I don’t want to drink. But I had this underlying compulsion that I couldn’t put into words. It was like arguing with an alien that didn’t speak human languages. I didn’t want to drink again logically. Drinking was just going to make me sick, make me flunk out of school, make me isolate myself from friends and family and ultimately send me spinning into despair. At the end of my drinking, I felt like if I couldn’t drink I would rather die. Yet, the other argument was that if I drank I would instantly be relieved. It didn’t make sense.

Today I am 2 and half years sober and miraculously I no longer need to fight with myself about drinking. Yet, I feel I now fight with myself about food.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I do not have food addiction like my alcohol addiction. My love affair with food can be perverse at times and at times very similar to my alcoholism, but it is no where near the same. Alcoholism was making me miserable to the point of wanting to die. My food addiction is more along the lines of, even though I am full I am craving chips, Cheetos and cheese. So my cravings have nothing to do with hunger or even being satisfied. They are a form of food addiction I believe.

So I have become vegan and I am doing much better in my life. Yet, my blood pressure is still high, I am still on blood pressure medications and I have not lost any weight (weight is not a measure of health but it is a goal of mine none the less).

I want to do better at this. So here are my goals for the week!

  1. I’m going to follow the power plate model of eating. So I’ll focus on fruits, vegetables, legumes and grains. I’m not counting calories or logging my meals. I’m just making sure that these are where I am getting the bulk of my calories from. Unprocessed foods. Fruits, Vegetables, Legumes and Grains. Now I know I’m gonna use some processed foods but if the bulk of my meals includes this I know I am gonna feel good.
  2. Fill up on fiber. It seems like the best way to feel full is high fiber. So I am going to sneak lentils and chia seeds into my foods. I am going to aim for high fiber.
  3. Plan Ahead. I know I do better when I cook multiple meals at a time and I have lots of food at home to choose from (power plate food). I need to make sure when I am in the mood to cook and prep, that I batch it so I can have easy grab and go food. I tend to buy salty, processed crap when I am lazy and there’s nothing already made.
  4. Hydration. I think hydration is always good advice.
  5. Do not eat and watch TV. Eat away from the TV and then watch TV. This is huge! Tonight I did this. I ate at the dinner table, did my dishes and then sat down and I felt so much better!

These are my goals for the week and I know I can do it! I’m excited to be back on the blog and also setting goals again. I took a brief hiatus to just kind of focusing on getting through the day to day. But I know I feel better when I’m eating the way I actually want to eat and moving my body everyday. So that’s what I want to do.

Now a huge difference between craving food and craving alcohol is that you need food to live. I will always love food and enjoy food. That’s good! I don’t ever want to stop enjoying food. But I know I do a lot of mindless eating. Eating when I’m full. Eating because I’m bored. Eating because it’s there. I do a lot of this and I want to be more mindful about it. The goal is not perfection. You can’t be “perfect” at eating. This is about feeling good. This about treating myself with kindness and love. This is about recovery.

Peace, Love, and Shim Sham

One thought on “Insanity

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