(TW: Body Image, Dieting, Calorie Counting)
Ok, I’m just gonna say it! I’m getting stir crazy! I neeed more room to spread out!
But not in my home space….in my life.
I have spent SO MUCH FREAKING TIME focused on what others think about my life, my choices, my looks, my identity – it’s made me feel trapped, cooped up, stifled.
And anyone who knows me, that is not going to work.
I spent a lot of time and energy on tasks that made me feel terrible about myself – but underneath the surface.
I would count out exact calorie counts for my day – and work hard to stay UNDER those counts. I was trying to constantly maximize my nutrient intake while not eating a sufficient number of calories (Sometimes less than 1500 a day).
I am still doing the work to move past that. To heal from that.
My therapist and I have been talking about ways to feel more secure in my choices and to not feel like I need to restrict myself in order to feel good about myself. And I am really struggling to believe that it’s okay for me to do – to believe that it is a good thing. Struggling to believe that I am not doing myself harm to allow sugar, cookies, chips, candy to be around me – and to sometimes over indulge.
But I know that my overly restrictive times haven’t been any healthier – and to be honest if it worked I “should be” a much smaller size than I am. But I’m not. And I’m learning to love that about myself!
So here we go – this year’s theme (In April) – LIVING FREE. (Free of restrictions, free of things that hold me back from being the person I want to be, free of chronic self doubt and self loathing….I’m going to live free)
❤ Kay Jay