Lovin’ Myself

Good morning Shim Sham! Hello world!

I’m sitting here with a new style.

Because I colored my hair again!

And this time, I didn’t start with bleaching my hair fully blonde. I just utilized my own natural brown (and silver hair) and gave myself some dark magenta highlights – which is making me so happy.

Anyone who’s met me knows that I LOVE a moment to change up my look. I shave my head, fade up the sides, dye my hair, cut it by myself… (the latter is no longer advisable because I’m not great at scissor cutting my own hair at all.) I love to change up my makeup looks and experiment – and I’ve gotten much better at it this past year.

I am finally getting more adventurous with my personal style and allowing myself to utilize my outward appearance to reflect how I feel inside – which has been an incredible experience this year.

It still scares me. I still sometimes get very wrapped up in how others are perceiving me. I am still not fully able to go as full out as I want.

But there has been progress!

I’m learning to love the body I have and how to use it to create the look I want to see. I trust myself to try things in a way that I never felt comfortable with in the past.

I look in the mirror and I am working to take the first initial reaction (which can be very cruel and negative) and work to rewrite the narrative. I’m discovering how to utilize my more unique features and physically intriguing aspects of my body to my advantage and turning the hateful thoughts on their head.

I’m someone who doesn’t like to be in a box. And sometimes I look at people who are in the “beautiful, sexy, whatever blah blah blah” boxes and wish I could be them. But then I realize.

They all look the same.

They all sound the same.

They all seem to be THE SAME.

(and before you get it twisted, I know that everyone has unique perspectives and their own interesting personalities – it’s just the way that we are inundated with the imagery of a “beautiful” or “successful” human person and how it ALWAYS seems to be the same.)

I don’t love being the same as other people. Part of it is stubbornness (you don’t even have to tell me.) And some of it is just feeling contrary.

But a lot of it is because every time I try to shove myself into one of those mainstream boxes, it just doesn’t go well for me. I get sad. I feel like I’m not enough and like I’m not successful or being authentic to myself.

I want to be my authentic self – and I am learning to love who that is.

All of the past experiences where I was put down or downright punished for being myself and feeling authentic have become an inner dialogue which used to serve me in holding me back – but it also kept me safe.

It isn’t safe anymore. It’s hurting me. I want to be free of it and learn who I really am.

So here goes: I love my belly, my legs that are shorter than average, my barrel chest, my sometimes very greasy skin, my ridiculous midwestern accent that sneaks out when I’m excited, my loud laugh – it all makes up who I am. And I can love every bit of it as I work towards becoming the future version of myself.

I’m learning to love myself. It’s hard and it doesn’t always feel possible.

But I really am learning.

❤ Kay Jay

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