I’m having trouble believing that it’s almost Christmas. Here in the upper Midwest, we had a relatively chilly autumn with a sizable snowfall in October before Halloween. Now, it’s volleying backing and forth between unseasonably mild and quite chilly with no snow on the ground.

The weather is not helping with the sense of confusion this year has cast over most of us. Time is all over the place and there isn’t much we can hold onto in terms of typical markers of the passage of time.

It’s chaotic and I’m feeling very off kilter.

To cap it all off, I’m left feeling like this isn’t ending anytime soon. I fear that people are going to take the promise of a vaccine for Covid and prematurely go back to their idea of business as usual. Or the crowd of nearly 75 Million Americans who decided 4 more years of this nightmare was what we all need will essentially destroy any sense of stability we have been working for.

It’s maddening and terrifying, to say the least.

I have no interest in going back to any sense of ‘normal.’ Not only do I not really believe that word exists for many of us – the ‘normal’ many hope for only benefits a portion of majority culture and leaves many of us left out, left behind, to a variety of varying degrees.

I don’t want to go back to that. I want to help build something new.

And that goes for myself as much as it does for the outside world. I don’t want my life to go back to how it was pre-covid. I was CONSTANTLY hustling so much that I barely had time to catch my breath, and often only had exhaustion to show for it. It wasn’t more profitable, wasn’t making me any happier, and didn’t allow for any time to relax or to enjoy my day to day.

That isn’t a life I want back.

And that has me thinking about my goals. About being mindful about what it is that I want, and how I am working towards it. I have been working hard to rewire my brain and reparent myself to love my process, love myself where I am at AND where I’m going. To really take stock of what I’m learning and grow from it.

I have been working hard on taking control of what I have control over, and still leaving room for wonder and discovery. And now I am taking stock of where I go next.

I know for sure, beyond the holidays, I want to continue focusing on a plant based, whole foods diet. And I know that it will NEED to include some indulgence here and there. Being too restrictive with myself leads to intense cravings and a desire to throw in the towel entirely. I don’t want that. So that means sometimes I will bake some cookies. Or buy some chips. I may even allow some alcohol back into my life. I’m not sure yet. These are decisions I will need to make day to day, and assess.

As I stated yesterday, I am hoping to speak to a dietician who practices “health at any size” and learn more from a professional one on one what it truly means to eat healthfully and still enjoy life without being overly restrictive or judgmental of myself.

So here we are, in the middle of the holiday season, navigating where it is we want to head as we continue to fight through everything this year has thrown at us.

I’m so grateful to have a home to sleep in, food to eat, and a part time job I can do from home while staying safe, warm, and still living. And I don’t want to take that for granted.

Anyone else taking stock of where they are at and assessing their growth and where they want to go as we enter a new phase? I’m curious to hear from you.

I also just want to leave you with this message from Lizzo, that really resonated with me yesterday.

Stay safe. ❤ Kay Jay

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