December Developments II

HELLO MAMA SHIM SHAM! And hello world!

Just a quick update here from Kay Jay, your friendly neighborhood genderfluid queermo!

This month is already flying by, and it will soon be the changing of another Gregorian calendar month. I have been feeling much better the past few days about my overall sense of self. Over the weekend, I was able to participate in a livestream performance which allowed me to showcase two pieces off of my new album, and was also a gender affirming experience that I needed from the holiday season.

I have gotten on my mat all but one day this month (and the day I missed I did make it out on a walk and did involve myself in some stretching – just not officially on my mat)

I am also working on trusting my own instincts on what is ‘best’ for me as I navigate my way through this wellness journey. I love watching documentaries, and I really love to learn about nutrition, corruption in large industries, and what I as a consumer and a human can do to have a meaningful, positive impact on the world around me. What I have noticed on my most recent rewatch of many of my favorite films is that the movies are often framed from a ‘thin = good, fat = bad’ mentality without even meaning to do it.

Now, weight gain can be a factor in many health issues, and I know that I feel best when I am eating a certain way and when I am moving a certain way. I am not denying that. However, sometimes, even the best intentioned films end up ‘fat shaming’ more than they mean to, and that can also be damaging to making positive change.

I cannot frame my journey from a strictly weight loss mind set – there are certain factors that come into play that I may not be able to change. While it is true that a lifestyle change can bring positive benefits (I am experiencing them even as I type this) I know that there are genetic factors that have an impact. I may not ever be able to have the body I once envisioned myself having, but that doesn’t mean I’m not healthy.

Framing extra weight as a moral or social failing of individuals is a damaging mindset that has put a lot of people in a box that they don’t deserve to be in. I don’t want to participate in that culture anymore. Not towards others, or myself. I will slip up and I will be fighting against my conditioned brain, probably for many years. But it is a fight worth continuing for my own personal growth and my viewpoint on the world around me.

Well…that went on longer than I expected when I first started typing. Clearly, I had more to say than I thought.

These feelings are wrapped up in a lot of very real, very difficult discussions I have been having with myself, my own body, and my therapist. I know that I want to focus on my intake of added sugars and more oily foods. But I can eat a little, feel okay about it, and then move on. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world if I indulge a little and it does not have to mean that the day is ‘ruined’ and i should just crash and burn. That is a real thought I have had so many times, and I really want to move beyond that limiting way of thinking.

And I have been doing fairly well this past week! I have had a few treats, and I have been framing them as such. And I am able to have relatively guiltless enjoyment of them, because I know that I can say no to more if I want to. And I have. Being mindful about my intake of food doesn’t have to become cruel restriction that feels like a punishment.

And it truly has been in the past, believe me.

Instead, I want to treat my inner child the way I would any other child in my life. Indulge their whims and their cravings a bit – but still remain a little firm on where the line is. I don’t need to be too extreme on any end. I already have dietary needs that steer me away from certain foods because of how they make me feel – and I love that I am able to say ‘no thank you’ to many of them with ease now.

Things get easier with practice. And I want to practice more loving care of my own sense of self. I want to get along with my body and treat it with care and love. And we’re getting there.

Little by little.

❤ Kay Jay

PS: If you have the means and want to support a local artist, you can check out and purchase my very first full-length album ‘Well, This is Something New’ on Bandcamp. Help a queermo out this holiday season!

https://kayjayolson.bandcamp.com/album/well-this-is-something-new

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