Choices

GOOD MORNING SHIM SHAM AND WORLD! I hope all you lovely people are doing well this week!

As I’ve said in previous posts and videos, I have been seeing a therapist for over a year now. In fact, it will be two years this February. And I cannot advocate for having talk therapy or some sort of therapeutic measure in your life. Even if that means finding a YouTube channel (hey hey) and blog like ours or seeking out the help of a professional (Because Shim Sham and I are not doctors or accredited therapists).

Monday’s therapy appointment was really eye opening. I know that I am in a time of very major transition. I have been working to change my life for the better, forge new and stronger identities and truly see myself fully for the first time. I honestly have never felt more like myself and I know that I still have a ways to go before I feel truly free of the past (as free as anyone can be).

But I do have a choice.

I have the choice to really change how I see myself. I know I get discouraged – I don’t always love my ‘meat suit.’ I sometimes don’t like physical the parts that make up me – but I do have a choice on how I react to those negative thoughts when they pop up, I do have a choice in how I let those thoughts impact me and my day.

And I really want to feel better about myself. I do.

I have a choice about what foods I put in my body. I have a choice about what I buy. I have choices about my physical presentation (within budget and the confines of medical, biological, and genetic disposition) I do have a choice about how I respond to the reactions of others.

I carry around a lot of trauma – I really do. And I am still trying to reconcile that within my current identity. I am fierce. I am talented. And I do have a unique perspective to offer the world around me and I am being offered opportunities to make those choices.

And I am starting to feel the confidence to really jump in and put myself out there in a real and meaningful way. I have discovered new layers to myself that I never would have thought were there and I am taking myself to new places that three years ago I would have never thought possible.

And yet, I need to offer myself compassion, empathy and patience. I cannot expect that all of this will be resolved overnight. Even 6 years isn’t quite enough time – not when we only really just broke beneath the surface a year ago. I have a lot to offer and will continue to find more of it – and I need to give myself time and space to keep growing and to keep discovering.

Making the choice to love myself and to re-parent and nurture my inner child will not always be the easy choice – but it is the stronger and more compassionate choice. And I’m ready to see where that can lead. I won’t always love what I see in the mirror or what I feel inside – but I will still have the choice to choose how I react and what I will do next.

And I want to choose love.

❤ Kay Jay

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