Wednesday post pushed to Thursday – but here it is!
I finally got back to my journaling. I have been writing around 3 pages in my journal every morning off and on since 2012, and it has been an incredibly useful tool for me. I use it to write out complex thoughts and emotions, and give me time in an unedited way without an audience to do what I always do – verbally process.
But silently. In writing.
Getting those pages written out felt very cathartic – and I am so happy to have taken the time to write them again. Some good things came out of my processing.
My life these past 6 or so years has been all about striking a balance. Finding that foundation and keeping equal weight between what I need and my natural tendency to try and do for others.
I’m more successful at doing for others than I am for myself. But I’ve been working on that.
Whenever I take time for myself, I feel compelled to balance it out with doubling down on what I can offer to others. It’s like a competition – how much more can I give of my time, energy and resources to someone else than I can to myself? I’ve proven on many occasions that I can really create quite a gap between the two.
And my personal journey gets thrown out of balance because of it.
With everything happening around the world right now, it can feel like there is absolutely no way to do enough. And in some ways, that’s true. One person alone cannot do enough to help everyone. (unless we were to just take all of the billionaires and give all of their surplus supplies out to those who need it…but that’s a different type of post.) But what I mean is that I only have so many hours in a day to give to any particular cause, project, or area of focus. Only so much monetary resources to spread around and maintain myself. The modern world demands of us CONSTANTLY. And giving into the pressure can have devastating impacts on my personal state of being.
I want to help. I want to donate. I want to contact legislators and those in power to urge them to act. And I do those things. But it never feels like it’s enough. My perfectionism and my desire to give to others weighs me down when I realize that I couldn’t possibly give enough to change everything.
But that isn’t the point. I do what I do to help stay connected, to keep my commitments moving and strong so that it becomes a part of my routine. And it will be enough for some people. For others, they will rightfully never see it as enough. It’s a conundrum.
But it doesn’t mean I have to give up. I know what I am doing for myself. What I have gone through. What I have survived. And what I continue to fight through.
I see what others are fighting for. What they are doing for themselves. For others. And I can be both. I can strike that balance between doing good for others, and tending to myself.
I’m not here to seek praise or validation (though I know its nearly impossible to put something like this out there and not have it be seen that way by some). I want to help anyone reading this see that so many of us are unsure of where to start, how to keep going, and how to strike that balance. It is in connecting to one another and really seeing and hearing what is happening around us that we can start to build something better as we seek to tear down that which should no longer stand.
The oppressive systems that govern the world gain traction and maintain their power by keeping us all in a state that makes us feel as though we cannot enact change. They turn us against one another so that we focus on each other and not on the oppressive systems themselves. The same is true, I believe, for the ways we hold ourselves back and hold ourselves down. These systems that seek to control want us to feel weak, incapable, and complacent. They want us to feel that we are unable to love ourselves as we are and want us to focus on mundane things like beauty and weight – not as a means of feeling like our happiest selves, but to continue to strive for something which may be unattainable.
I want to choose something different. To love where I am and continue to build a better self for ME. In this way, I can be better for others as I so desire. I can be there for others as I learn to be there for myself as well.
I will continue to learn and grow.
❤ Kay Jay